It seems that with each foray into larger society, I end up confirming over and over that what I need and want is not out there.

It’s within. Within smaller circles. A private life. Goals which matter only to me, and are irrelevant to those who go for “the big time.”

I can’t explain it but the striving I encounter around me every single time I venture onto the popular roads freaks me out. The drive to get to the top, as if there is a top. Being a striver strikes me as irrelevant in a life where you can’t live forever, but for some reason it’s the main game in town.

Mostly though, all this living one’s life publicly goes against my nature, which is reserved. I create because I have to, not because I want to “be someone.” To be appreciated is important, sure – but it’s not valuable to me if it’s based on numbers.

At any rate, what’s out there and touted as fabulous continues to be blechhhh for me. I am full just being quiet and away from large crowds, trends and noise.

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