Always The Smaller Room


Originally written elsewhere on 3/23/15:

Mood changes today have gone from paralyzing sorrow to some light at the end of the tunnel. I found an affirmation of my feelings about most all social networks on another person’s blog post, and feel compelled to join her where she is and connect in a new place (edit 3/26: still just pondering the idea, enthusiasm faded a bit about connecting anywhere again with anyone new… already…).

It was good to stumble on this, it made me feel less odd – so many people just are not very affected by the kinds of things that cause me to drastically cut ties. At least, many who I know personally and many who I know only as online friends. And while I have shunned the popular way on many different occasions, it is not easy to do – even though I’m not questioning my sanity nor emotional stability, I’m puzzled as to why people so readily accept the status quo even when they complain about it (this in connection obviously to a change that would not turn their entire life upside down).

I suppose I have to resort to the old saying, “To each his own,” though my own inevitably leads me into a much smaller room where I must wait for my new fellows. It is how I am, but must it always be such an arduous journey? I have my hermit side, but treasure a meaningful connection, I am not a solitary, bloodless rock, that much I am sure of. On the other hand, if one does not look for one, there never seems to be an alternate way.

I can’t settle for a blindfold. I see, I feel, eventually, it is time to take action. I am feeling this urge to new action on every level, and the intensity of this urge is increasing every week. It’s a push to a new place, and it will require effort and courage. And patience. And faith. And I will have to slowly fight all the negative feeling within which attempts to overwhelm me, stop me – but the idea of turning back to more of the same disgusts me beyond the horror of my emotions. I have to survive that tidal wave that temporarily blocks out the sun.

Every Thursday